posted 06-28-2010 09:15 PM
It's not supposed to fly, it's a Sylvester Stallone movie. It just sits there on your plate like a huge mound of overcooked (but, oddly enough, half-baked at the same time) lasagna.There are a bunch of in the 'cuse that view it as our duty as Italians to see every Sylvester Stallone picture at the fanciest multiplex in town. We pay our $6 - we go to the matinee because we're old enough for the discount and cheap enough to take it - buy our Roger Ebert Tub 'O' Death size popcorn plus a $4.49 jug of colored sugar water and proceed to the loge.
There to be entranced by 2 solid hours of grunting and dialog like, "Hey, Carmine, you may know what you know, but it ain't you know, you know?" followed by a bell ringing, general mayhem and more grunts. Of course we wait until the love scenes to get some Gummi Worms and JuJi Fruits to act as floss for the popcorn.
To our horror as we return to our seats we've crossed several dimensions - it was that damn iridium coil melting the popcorn's butter flavored palm oil based topping. It has shorted and opened a door to a strange universe where Sly IS playing John Glenn! We're Italians and have to watch!
So we sit down and watch the picture. Sly is, indeed, John Glenn and has been challenged by the feared 7'4" 345 pound cosmonaut Boris Bulba (the Russians don't have our size limits because their rockets are bigger).
Boris Bulba beats the white off John Glenn. He sits bloody, bruised and battered in his corner Then his trainer Scott Carpenter shouts desperately, "Remember Magnet A**!"
The Rocky music starts....out comes Boris Bulba and nearly tears Glenn's head off. But all of a sudden Glenn smashes a right to Bulba'a midsection! He's really serving Bulba Rib Roast with all these body shots! Finally Boris Bulba is knocked out.
Someone drapes Glenn with the flag, and right there he negotiates ASTP, visits to MIR and the joint venture to build the ISS.
Finally, the revelation that Rocky music is a constant throughout the dimensions dawns when the credits roll over the Rocky Theme Song.
When we slip through the portal back to our Earth we hip SETI to this fact. By playing the Rocky Tune and, especially "Eye Of The Tiger" we make contact with these beings. Sylvester Stallone becomes head of the UN and Frank Stallone is given NASA's highest honor.
Then I came to, and it was still Gotti.